The opportunity

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 I am so scared.

I want everything to be so perfect.

I want her to feel like the only girl in the world.

I want her to feel comfortable and confident in her outfit and the people around her.

I want her to see all the effort and love I have put into this proposal, even though she (hopefully) doesn't realize it.

I hope she doesn't realize it.

I hope it comes as a happy, chill surprise.

God I hope she says yes.

Like I know she will, like we are on the same page and we are literally planning a wedding, we've got outfits and centerpieces and oh so much crystal.

But I am still so scared.

I am scared she will get cold feet. I am scared that she thinks I am too old, too difficult to deal with, too emotionally unavailable, too anxious and scared about everything. Maybe I am not enough of a go-getter for her.

I want her to be mine.

I want her to be my wife.

God that sounds so weird to write.

MY WIFE.

Well technically first girlfriend -> fiancee -> wife.

I want her to want to marry me.

She is the one.

I just hope that is this is the way to do it for her.

I hope she doesn't feel blindside by it.

I hope it is a pleasant surprise.

I just want her to be happy.

I need her to be happy.

Even if it's not with me.

STOP THAT.

I'm not letting her go, Never.

But if she needs to be with someone else I will be destroyed.

I hope she says YES.

I guess we will see tonight.

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